i imagine it’s like winning the lottery

Jeremy and I are starting our journey into the world of artificial insemination this month. I’m hopeful … I’m scared.  I’m not scared of the idea of artificial insemination — I’m scared of needles. Because of my age my doctor wants to be as aggressive as possible. So that means needles — shots every day for 5-7 days — and blood drawn every other day. Sounds stupid, but I think I’m more afraid of that then the thought of giving birth.

I was that little kid in the doctor’s office crying bloody murder and freaking out every time I needed to get a shot — so need less to say — I’m terrified of needles. Jeremy comes with me every time I get my blood drawn to calm me down. He does a great job. Hopefully, he’ll do an even better job of giving me my shots. At least the first one. I’m wondering if it’s like tweezing or taking off a band aid? It’s always less painful when you do it yourself. We’ll see.

We’ve been trying to get pregnant for over a year. It’s been an emotional process. Every month I get excited and hopeful then by the end of the month I get socked with a red blaze of reality. One day, after I just got my period, I was getting off of the train and saw this homeless man on the corner. He had just purchased lottery tickets and was scratching them off one by one. I could see his face go from excitement to disappointment with each one. Wow, that’s exactly how I feel each month! That feeling of is this going to be the ticket or the day that will change my life? Well, this month, we’re buying a shit load of lottery tickets and I’m feeling hopeful that we’re going to hit it big this time!

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