taking a break

Yep, we’re officially taking a break from trying to conceive. I haven’t counted my fertile days, obsessed over infertility blogs or analyzed my body for pregnancy symptoms this month. It feels good — I feel like myself again.

I really feel like I lost myself these past few months. I felt out of control and hopeless. I’m sure the hormones weren’t helping either. I know with my age that time is a luxury but deep down in my heart I really feel that this is what I need to do right now.

So, here I am, focusing on me again. The new year is right around the corner too — a perfect time to recharge and regroup. I’ve been making a mental list of all the things I want/need to do. Number one on that list is to take my real estate license exam and focus on my career. I’m working on an official list but what I realize is that I need to get out of my comfort zone.

“Do one thing everyday that scares you” — that’s one of my favorite quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt. It’s a great quote and one that I really try to live by. So, here’s to a new year filled with new hopes, dreams and realities.

om shanti shanti shanti

As I look out my window at the dreary sky and snow, this is exactly what I’m dreaming of. Where do I sign up. One of my dreams is to go on a yoga retreat, and this one is perfect, Cocoa Beach in the Maldives.

Click here for the entire entry from the Elements of Style blog and look at the gorgeous photos from the facility. Close your eyes and imagine yourself there — that’s what I’m doing.

Aaaaauuuuummmmm.

Namaste.

fleurs de la vie

Nothing inspires me more than nature. Here are some photos I took this past summer. Enjoy!

new beginnings

As the new year approaches, I’m feeling the need to reflect on 2009. This was my year of exploration. I’m learning a lot about myself through this infertility journey and  I I’m a lot stronger because of it.

Our IUI wasn’t successful. We were going to move along with IUI #2 but we found out a few days ago that my FSH is high, 18.6. What I’m just learning is that your FSH levels dictate what your egg reserve is — under 10 is normal — and anything higher is an indicator that I don’t have many eggs left. The nurse said that we can move ahead with IUI #2 but our chances were slim and that we should think about IVF or an egg donor at our next try. Wow! Egg donor?

I just turned 38 on Saturday and boy is that a slap in the face. I really don’t feel old, and even though this birthday was hard because I was expecting to be pregnant, I wasn’t thinking about my actual aging. I guess my body is aging faster than my mind.

My gut is telling me that we need to take a break. After talking with Jeremy, he agreed. So, for the next few months, I will be needle free! Whew, that takes a lot of stress off of me. I really think that there’s a connection between stress and my high FSH level. I’ve been doing a lot of research and have a bunch of fertility books that I am going to read up on. I feel a huge relief and am going to concentrate more on relaxing, meditating and taking control of my life again — just in time for the new year!

message received

Wow, the most amazing thing just happened! As I was writing my last post a beautiful hawk landed in the tree outside our window. I can honestly say, as city dwellers, this has never happened before. I’m so happy that Jeremy was able to get a photo of it.

It was so big, beautiful and amazing. Just the wake up call that I needed. I googled “symbolism of a hawk sighting” and found the following from this website.

In representation to humanity, the hawk is called messenger, protector and visionary. Keen vision is one of its greatest gifts. Hawks see things others miss.

The hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. It can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

As you rise to a higher level, your psychic energies are awakening and the hawk can help you to keep those senses in balance. Its message for you is to be open to hope and new ideas, to extend the vision of your life.

The Hawk is an animal of flight. It soars through the air looking down, and sees everything. It has a larger perspective of what is going on down below. With its keen eyesight, it looks down as it soars through the air looking for its prey. It can see the smallest of creatures below.

The Hawk is known as a messenger, similar to the planet Mercury, for the hawk soars close to the Grandfather Sun, as does the planet. When you listen to the power of the Grandfather Sun or Wise Spirit that lives within, you are protected from all types of harm.

The Hawk teaches you to be observant and take a close look at your surroundings. It soars with the power to overcome difficult situations. It soars in circles over the life of the earth, asking you to circle over your life and view it from a higher perspective.

The Hawk has a distinct cry, one that most people are aware of. Its cry signifies awareness. If you hear the cry of the hawk use your intuitive ability to discern the message and seek the truth.

If a hawk has soared into your life, you require a higher perspective. You need to see the details of what is going on and look at the bigger picture. Take a look at your situation from above.

trying to achieve zen

It’s not looking good. I’m 12 days past my IUI — only two more to go until I really know — but I spotted last night and this morning. Why does it have to be red! It’s like a red hot poker right into my heart. Hear that? My optimism train just left the station.

How does anyone keep their sanity through all of this? I know there are woman who suffer with infertility for years to no avail — I guess I’m still a novice. Wait, no, it’s been over a year since so I think that counts for something.

I recently read a blog about a woman who was purchasing a new calendar for 2010 and reminiscing on how this was her third one to track all of the unsuccessful steps & months of her trying to get pregnant. I guess I’ll be needing another one after this month too. A new calendar to help me keep track of my cycle. Stars for the days I should ovulate, circles for the days I should get my period, and now Xs for when I need to take my shots. As each day, each month and each year passes, my heart gets heavier.

Okay, pity party over. After a good cry and a nice talk with my true love, I feel better. Life is a journey and this part of mine is in the valley right now. But I’m lucky to have the greatest partner by my side and we’ll be making it up that mountain again soon.

jeu d’attente

English translation: “the waiting game.”

It’s been 10 days since the IUI — only 4 more days ’til I can officially test. This has been the longest 10 days ever! I keep thinking how quickly our 2 week honeymoon in France seemed to fly by. How I wish I could have spent the last 10 days there looking over the mediterranean.

I’m hanging in there though. The most frustrating thing is that my boobs have been super sore for the past 5 days. And when I say “super sore” — I mean “SUPER SORE!” I read that the side effects of the Ovidrel shot are the same symptoms of pregnancy. That’s just a cruel. They say it can take up to 10 days to go through your body so I’m wondering if they will stop hurting in the next few days. Which, again, messes with your head — “is that a good thing or a bad thing that my boobs aren’t sore anymore? “

Only time will tell. I need to move on with my week and focus my energy onto something better. Like studying for my real estate license exam.

Seulement quatre jours supplémentaires!

beauty tips

Audrey Hepburn would recite the following poem to her children every night. It was written by Sam Levenson for his grandchildren. I love the idea that a man wrote these lovely words that everyone should live by. I will definitely share this with my children.

rainbows, kittens and cotton candy

That’s what is going through my mind right now. Positive, happy thoughts. Today was our insemination. We dropped off our sample and then walked over to a little cafe and had tea while we waited about 45 mins for them to “wash” it and get the good guys all set for take off.

The actual process wasn’t so bad. It’s more uncomfortable than painful. The nurse did the procedure since my doctor was on vacation. She was really sweet. She had a tough time getting the catheter into my cervix and thought she might need to use a different one but she finally got it. At one point as she struggled with it and had her head between my legs, she kept apologizing and saying, “I’m just trying to get you pregnant.” How many of you ladies out there can say that you’ve heard that one from a woman?

It was weird to just casually walk out of the office afterward, like nothing happened. I’ve seen couples walk out before and I search their face or body language to guess what they went in for. You never really get a feel for it. Everyone is just so casual — and that’s how I felt. Like we just visited a friend and now we’re on our way to lunch. La de dah.

So, now we play the waiting game. I go in next week for blood and an ultrasound to make sure that I ovulated. And the next week (the day before my birthday) we should know.

Funny, we had a photo shoot scheduled for this afternoon with newborn twins. Coincidence? I think not. They were so sweet, I was holding the little girl and thinking “okay, baby, send some good baby makin’ vibes my way.” I almost wanted to rub them both on my tummy but didn’t because I thought that it might look a little freaky

Okay, day one down, just thirteen more to go.

only two more shots to go — whee!

Today I had my second round of blood and ultrasound tests to monitor my little follicles. On Monday, they saw two that measured 12 mm. The nurse called and told me to continue with my shots and come in again on Wednesday because they want them to be around 18mm. Well, they’re getting there, one is 16.3mm and the other is 17.7mm — woohoo!

So, I just need to take two more shots, tonight the Follitism and tomorrow Ovidrel, thank goodness it’s almost over! I don’t know if I could stand any more needles. I almost passed out today after my blood test. It was pretty embarrassing. It hurt when she took out the needle and I felt my body go numb and cold. I didn’t faint, but I did bust out into tears. I couldn’t help it, I just sobbed for what seemed like forever. Thanks horomones!

I’m getting a little better with the shots — Jeremy is definitely a pro at giving them. I was bummed that I had to take my first one after Thanksgiving dinner when all of our guests were in our kitchen but it  turned out for the best. My cousin Kelly was here and she was able to calm me down. The next night I had my mother in law help me — she lives in North Carolina. And the third night my brother was there — which is interesting because he’s not very touchy-feely but did a good job at making me feel better. The next two nights I was on my own, except for Jeremy and a video camera — yes — my husband wants to document this. I guess it will be good to show our little one just what I did for him/her, her & her, him & her or him & him. I have two eggs — we just might have twins. Who knows!

So, Friday is insemination day. I’m excited and nervous — as I’m sure all women who go through this are. I hear the two weeks that follow are hell. The best part is that the day we find out is my birthday! What an incredible birthday present that will be.

Here’s a picture of our follicles. Jeremy and I were joking that we can show our baby/babies what they looked like at negative two weeks old.